I'm about to step away from Icethetics for quick vacation to the Big Apple. So I put together this blog post to hold everybody over until I get back. And as an homage to Jimmy Fallon — whose show my wife and I hope to catch while in NYC — I've prepared preseason thank-you notes to 12 NHL teams.
Dear Anaheim Ducks,
Thank you for celebrating your 20th anniversary by making all your players wear an ugly patch. They'll never think twice about it. But I will die a little inside every time I see it.
Dear Viktor Fasth,
Thank you for this kickass mask. I eagerly await watching you wear it on October 13.
Dear Boston Bruins,
Thank you for turning 90 in style. Some people may not appreciate your simplistic anniversary logo, but I admire how it blends brilliantly into your brand and bears the six stars that signify your Stanley Cup championships. Here's to another six Cups and the next 90 years.
Dear Buffalo Sabres,
Thank you for proving to the conspiracy theorists that your new third jersey isn't a hoax by including it in your new media guide this year. And don't listen to all the haters. You have to have a little fun with your third jersey, or else what's the point? So let's give it a year or two and then try something else. Also, thanks for putting the captains' patches on the shoulder instead of the chest. Gives everybody a little something to freak out over.
Dear Carolina Hurricanes,
Thank you for looking just as generic as I expected in your new jerseys. It means I don't have to eat my words. Also, thank you for playing a red/white scrimmage so I only had to look up one photo.
Dear Dallas Stars,
Thank you for looking positively stunning in your new uniforms. It's about as good as a hockey team can possibly look. Like I told the Hurricanes, I appreciate not having to eat my words. In particular, thank you for bringing more green to the NHL. I'm forever grateful.
Dear Detroit Red Wings,
Thank you for wearing straight nameplates during the preseason. It's a huge burden off your equipment staff, who don't have to worry about cutting custom arches for more than 60 guys, two-thirds of whom won't even be with the team in a week. Also, it helps keep my email and Twitter stream filled with questions about why you're changing your uniform. Just like every September.
Dear Los Angeles Kings,
Thank you for changing the wordmark your players wear on their helmets. Sure, it may seem like the most innocuous thing in the world, but to some, you might as well have changed your colors to pink.
Dear Minnesota Wild,
Thanks for rocking those ravishing new road jerseys. Wouldn't change a thing.
Dear Montréal Canadiens,
Thank you for adding accent marks to your jersey nameplates. I'm sure Daniel Brière and other French speakers can appreciate it better than I can. But mainly, thanks for not posting any preseason game photos to your website. I really like having to scour dozens of video clips to find a clear, legible shot of this most minor of uniform changes.
Dear Nashville Predators,
Thank you for changing your socks and pants. You know what I always say: If there's room for blue, there's room for gold. (Admission: I've never said that before.)
Dear New York Islanders,
Thank you for wearing your special Brooklyn patch during your special Brooklyn game. I know it won't be long now before Brooklyn becomes your permanent home and you wear a permanent Brooklyn patch. Until then, I'll treasure this special Brooklyn patch from this special Brooklyn game. Brooklyn forever. Brooklyn.
Dear San Jose Sharks,
Thank you for going on that diet this summer. The weight you lost really shows. Really.
Chris from Icethetics
It was inevitable in a post this long that I'd overlook somebody. Thanks to Twitter friend @JoeyLeizerowitz for reminding me I'd missed this one.
Dear Florida Panthers,
Thank you for wearing the Dos Equis logo on your sweaters this season. You may not be the most interesting team in the world, but at least you have bubble gum and two decades of history to look back on. Sorry for forgetting about you.
Chris from Icethetics